Ode to Street Hassle
Somewhere in the middle of last weekend, I was unable to kick the habit of saying everything in a Jersey accent. This game is highly addictive and best played with an accomplice because otherwise, you're just the annoying schmuck in the corner, muttering to yourself about the BQE and Yonkuz.
Friday night, I had a date with a dame and we went out lookin for trouble. So we headed over to another dame's apartment and watched these three girls gettin decked out for a night at Scores. I'll tell you what, those girls were gettin into a helluva lot more trouble than we were! We ended up taking the bridge and tunnel over to Brooklyn and waited around at a bar, talking smack for a while. I told her about my new Jimmy Choos and my mudder in law on Long GUY LEN, even though I don't got none of those things. She told me bout a boy she's seeing in The Bricks who says to her the odder night, "Hey, less order a pie." And she told him to f--k off cause she wanted a real meal for once. And I says, "Better yet, tell that slob you ain't goin nowhere wit him til you see a goddamned ring." Saturday mornin, I woke up smellin' like Jersey, cause there was this bonfire on Friday night that was outta control. Dat night, I met up with my gal, Tina, at her older brotha's party in The City. We get there and the only people in the shit are a bunch of broads. So I say to Tina's brotha, "Yo Ian, you're a real sweet heart, but we didn't drag our asses out in the pouring rain to hang out with a bunch of ladies, if you know what I'm sayin. If we wanted that, we would've stayed at home and watched Sarah Jessica Parker on the television set." Then Tina dragged us outta there, even though it was real crummy outside and the rain was totally ruining my new do. "Yo Freako," she goes, "we fit togetha like leggos. Do me a solid and come see my fella at this bachelorette party wit me." Then we're in the back of the cab, there's three of us, and I ask the cabbie, "Yo cabbie! This is a good song, how's about turnin it up?" And oh, my gosh, the cabbie had better music than any other joint we hit up that night. We finally got to the bar and and I say to the bartender, "Yo, how's about a whiskey sour on the rocks?" And he says, "For you, doll face, anything." And that was that.
Now I'm back at my office job and the boss says to me, "How's about scanning these pages and puttin em on da server?"
And you know what I says to her? I says, "Yo, forget about it!"