Friday, June 09, 2006

House Full Of Garbage

dear blahg,

i already resolved not to share with you the details of my new roommate, julie. i will not tell you how julie, who just dumped her fiance one month prior to their wedding, is using our living room as a graveyard for the wedding gifts she has yet to return. but i will tell you that when i came home at 1:00 in the morning, after a night of drinking with friends, i almost tripped over a brand new, unopened cuisinart. among the household appliances that julie does not plan to return, is a mini trampoline.

apparently trampolining is all the rage right now, so far as home exercise is concerned. i never knew that 'trampoline’ could make the transition into a verb. but that's beside the point because now this mini trampoline resides in front of our tv, where julie will soon start bouncing along to a set of dvd routines. why can’t she do yoga? all you need for yoga is a compact, quiet mat. and a soul with a side of kashi cereal, or whatever.

this is not my problem. i already informed julie that while i am delighted with the health benefits of her exercise program, if she even tries to follow through with this bouncing before, say, the hour of 12 PM on saturday and sunday mornings, she will promptly be kicked out of the apartment. outside of that area of time on those two days, she is free to bounce all she wants, because this is new york and i feel no sense of solidarity with my neighbors. i am not at all concerned for the sanity of those who live underneath my living room.

i will tell you this, blahg, now that i have witnessed the implications of being both a bride-to-be and an ex-bride-to-be, i am glad that i am neither of those things. either way, you’re stuck with all this stuff and who really needs all that stuff? if you’re in julie’s position, your weekends are consumed with getting rid of all that stuff; in anne’s case, entire weekends are wasted away by running errands in order to get more stuff. the only difference being, you have some asshole to run errands with, or so i've heard.

me? i cannot wait for my weekend because i have no errands. some day, in the very distant future, maybe i will decide that i want somebody to run errands with, but not this weekend. besides, you don’t need a cuisinart to prepare ramen noodles.

so, dear blahg, i will not use this forum to muse about the ensuing hilarities of living with a bride-to-be and an ex-bride-to-be, because i already learned my lesson on the perils of blogging about one's current roommates in the face of searching for future roommates.

in fact, this entry never happened.

over and out,
toby

2 Comments:

Anonymous kat said...

i think you should buy her a teal unitard, hot pink socks and yellow sweat bands to go with her tramp.

8:01 PM  
Blogger Blogsy said...

I love this post. It reminds me of an old roomate who used to jump rope on Sunday mornings. I almost slippped rat poison into her breakfast shake.

8:09 PM  

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