Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sympathy For The Devil

Fine, I should have paid the Verizon bill for our apartment on time, instead of letting it sit on my desk at work until, eventually, Verizon would take it upon themselves to cut off our phone/internet privileges. Yet I am a good roommate, honestly.
When I get home and find Anne (who has quit her job to plan her wedding, which isn’t until December) on the couch with her fiancé (who is paying her rent until they get married), cuddling together while watching Fox News, I do not mind that they make out in my living room. If you do not want to have sex before marriage, that’s your problem. But to kiss without using any tongue at all -- MWAH, MWAH, MWAH, like the sound the button of your jeans makes when it hits the wall of the dryer -- that makes me sick, really it does. However, I do not puke on their feet, like I often feel like doing. No, I hold my puke and then I swallow it, because that’s the kind of high-quality roommate that I am.

So today, when I received a voicemail from Anne, yelling at me for not paying the phone bill, I was a bit surprised to tell the truth. Anne, is this some kind of joke played by you on me?
I am not at all amused by you calling me in the middle of my workday and yelling into the phone like that. Really, she screamed into the phone so loud, I had to hold it away from my ear!
“IF I HADN”T PAID THE GAS/ELECTRIC BILL, WE’D BE IN BIG TROUBLE. I HAVE WORK TO DO TODAY AND I NEED THE INTERNET!!”
Well, Anne. You had me right up to the point where you claimed you had “work” to do because, you see, there are people out there who get paid to plan weddings. They’re called wedding planners. That’s their job. So for you to interrupt me at my actual job is a little offensive, understand? I take my job very, very seriously. In fact your message made me so flummoxed, I had to take a moment to gather my bearings.
Meanwhile, Anne, you are at home and I’m sorry you are unable to plan your wedding without the Internet. I’m sorry this city we live in, together, is not technologically advanced enough to offer more wireless services. May I suggest getting out of the house every once in a while, maybe walking around our neighborhood with your laptop until you find a signal? Or, here’s a novel idea, how about trying the library?
Needless to say, I paid the bill immediately after receiving Anne’s message. After all, I understand the plight of a bride to be, all of those details to keep in order, wow! How do you do it, Anne? Like Anne, I am wholeheartedly dedicated to the cause of making that wedding the best day of her entire life.
Dear, dear Anne. Although I am not invited to the wedding, I will be there. I know when it is and where it is and far be it from me to miss out on the opportunity to eat a $75/plate dinner. And, as my one concession to you, I’m even going to bring a plus one (or five) and we are going to get hammered and then we are going to show you, and your 200 guests, how to really make out.

4 Comments:

Blogger Adam said...

Dude, I'm totally coming to that wedding with you and I'm gonna embarass the shit out of myself. Mark the date.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Hot Sauce said...

Wow can i be part of the plus 5 and bring my own plus one too. There should totally be some same sex making out at this wedding.

8:27 PM  
Blogger emily jane said...

ooh ooh! yes! i want in!

should we go in costume or something? we could start a rumble.

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You never would've had problems like that had you been my roommate. And no, I will not get over it.

- Jimbo.

1:53 PM  

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