Friday, March 24, 2006

That’s it, some of you (one person) criticized my use of Toby Shuster, of Jerusalem, as my blogging mascot. You wanted more sex, more drugs, more NEW YORK. But the truth is, my life is not very exciting. Unless I lived in DC and was getting paid to blog about my sex life, I refuse to write about sex in this forum, being a virgin and all. That type of blog is enitrely too overplayed, anyway.

So, back by popular demand (and by popular, I mean two good friends. And I’m pretty sure they were drunk), I am reintroducing Ms. Toby Shuster of Jerusalem.

This morning, when clicking around, I stumbled upon a document from the Seabreeze, Bulletin of the Malibu Jewish Center & Synagogue.

Here is an excerpt:

“After finishing my coffee, and listening to the usual amount of boy-meets-girl patter, I took my suitcase across the street to a “Bed and Breakfast”. Really, it was an apartment with a well-appointed extra bedroom, and an incredibly vivacious hostess named Toby Schuster. Toby, an American from Philadelphia, has lived in Jerusalem for over thirty years. “

This revealing document shares several key pieces of eyewitness information about Toby Shuster of Jerusalem. Just in case you missed it, Toby Shuster’s “Bed & Breakfast” is really nothing more than a “well-appointed extra bedroom.” But we’ll ignore that eye-opener for the time being.

Even more interesting is the fact that Toby Shuster, of Jerusalem, is actually an American, from Philadelphia. Why is this so fascinating? Because my parents are from Philadelphia, therefore Toby Shuster, of Jerusalem, and Toby Shuster of Nashville/Seattle/New York could possibly be related. Possibly maybe.

She might be “incredibly vivacious” in person, but on the Internet, Toby Shuster of Jerusalem is nothing less than a shrewd businesswoman, running a “Bed & Breakfast” entirely on false advertising.

I’m onto you, Toby Shutser, of Jersualem. Sure, on the surface, I may appear to be merely a wistful English major, trying to make it on my own in the real world. But I know a thing or two about marketing. I know how Google works; I’m aware of the different venues e-commerce takes, such as Paid Inclusion on search engines. Any of this sound familiar to you, Ms. Philadelphia-Jerusalem, whatever you go by these days? You think I don’t know about the problems involved in dealing with Key Word Optimization Programs (that’s paying a specialist to make sure a specific site appears in a better, ie. “higher” listing, on Google), the feasibility of having a budgeting, or marketing, program to include both Online advertising, in conjunction with Offline advertising and then, of course, the entire issue of whether traditional advertising is even viable in this day and age, or whether a promotional program should consist entirely of straight Public Relations, trying to get your message across through well-placed media contacts.

Now I do not pretend to know anything about these terms, but I do want you to know that I am aware of them, Ms. Bed&Breakfast. You’ve got a nice thing going over there in Jerusalem and I’m not trying to step on anybody's toes. I just want you to know that I plan on staking that first slot on Google under our name. I mean no harm. After all, we could be long lost sisters, or cousins, or you could even be my real mother...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

write a blog about me.

- jimbo

5:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YESSS! I may have been drunk, but know this: Toby Shuster of Jerusalem should always, always be a part of your blog, as far as I am concerned.

And one more thing: You're fantastic, Toby Shuster of NYC. Fan-fucking-tastic.


6:29 PM  
Anonymous claire said...

no, toby, I am your real mother.

7:11 PM  
Blogger Adam Frucci said...

You are totally crazy, and if this Toby Shuster of Jerusalem business keeps up, you might be losing 1/5th of your readership. Between this and your refusal to travel to Bushwick to watch a movie, you're approacing "dead to me" territory.

5:38 PM  

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